I’m a pretty big sucker for the whole “First Day of School” ordeal.
I can still clearly recall my “first day” outfit for every school year from the 3rd grade all the way up to my senior year in high school. I know; I eat that sh*t up. And this year? It looked a little something like this:
A serious day calls for a serious outfit! Joan Holloway puts it best. No lie.
You want to be taken seriously? Stop dressing like a little girl.
She said this to Peggy in season two; but in fact, Peggy did not dress like a little girl, she dressed like my grandmother’s curtains. #Vomit.
Anyways, the first day of my junior year went pretty smoothly. I woke up bright and early at 8 am, and just soaked the morning in— I did my devotional, checked out class’ syllabuses, got ready, ate breakfast, and went to class. I only had two today; both advertising classes which seem fairly easy so far.
The rest of the day was filled with catching up with friends, organizing, and job searching. Along with being a diligent student, looking for a job is one of my top priorities right now. After a summer of earning my own money, it feels like a step backwards to go back to Mommy and Daddy asking for allowance money. And I know my parents would be more than willing to support me if push came to shove, but…. I don’t think my laziness should deserve gifts. Ha. But really, I don’t mind the work. In fact, I kind of enjoy it. It’s empowering— you know what I mean? To learn a new set of skills is rewarding, to spend time making money is productive, and to be of service to someone is humbling. Anyways, I’m currently on the job hunt. I applied to a few places today; random campus jobs, sales associate positions at the local mall, heavily trafficked street corners…
All that semi-productive-important-stuff was basically alone time. Sigh. #RealTalk time. I AM BITTER. There, I said it, and I’ll say it again. I’m bitter.
I tried to ignore it all summer but now that I’m here, this place which is the root of my bitterness, it’s unavoidable. All the bitterness I’ve harbored for so long has finally broke through the surface, and I don’t know any other way to handle all this sudden rush of emotion other than to shut it off. Just like that. Like a light switch.
Sigh. The second I start to be honest with myself and face the emotions, my heart just feels heavy. It’s most frustrating because I can’t pinpoint where this bitterness is coming from; I just know it’s there. I can sense it’s present in my life— in my thoughts, interactions, etc. This avoiding and masking routine I’ve developed has to stop; I need
honest and vulnerable quiet time with the Lord. I know a lot of my problems are outcomes of my petty ways and insecurities, and maybe that’s what the Lord is shedding light on. I did ask him to shape me up this year; to reveal all my flaws so I can work on them and be molded into the woman of God I so desire to be. So why am I so afraid to be exposed of my insecurities when the Lord has already told me I am saved and dearly loved? I guess that’s the whole freaking gospel right there. I just need to keep aligning myself, to keep holding on to that sliver of truth. Okay.
Okay. Let’s go.