Just this weekend, our church hosted the annual revival— one weekend of the semester, during midterms, to provide a “retreat” for students. Personally, I was so out of it. Both my head and heart were at such different places that it was hard to just rest during the time of (services, worship, prayer time, etc). I just wanted to lay in my bed, shut my brain off, and watch tv, to be honest. ha. I told you, I’m addicted.
But one thing that I was convicted with and I want to hold onto is that I’ve become so consumed with being successful and all the means to the end have become a distraction to my walk with God. Being successful and diligent started out as my worship to Him; but along the way, my own selfish desires took over and anxiety grew to its peak. And I grew so consumed that I couldn’t even realize that these things were getting in the way of my relationship with God. God says he has big plans for me, and me trying to find identity in my success isn’t one of them. when did i become so desperate to be someone. when did i become so desperate to be successful. god desperately wants to give me peace and fulfillment and i’m not letting him. this was a rude awakening. my heart has grown so attached to this worldly measure that i can’t even let it go. but i have to, sooner or later.
This is a response to an article I wrote last week tying to this same topic:
This school semester has been very productive and rewarding, but it’s also been filled with anxiety and restlessness. I know the Lord has so graciously opened all these doors for me, but I’ve received all them with self-sufficient and ungrateful hands. I try the best I can in every facet of my life, but there’s no fruit or power present because I’m not dependent on the Lord. I think the author phrases it best when he describes the cause of weariness and burn outs to come “from our inner compulsions coupled with the pressure of circumstance,” not from the Lord. I strain myself to point of exhaustion telling myself that quality time with my God can be pushed back, that I can run off old gas. And I forget that the work itself is neither worship nor pleasing when I try to do it alone. Society tells me independence is an admirable quality, and I so blindly obey. But really, it’s not independence; it’s slavery to the tyranny of the urgent. The author touches upon the fact that since the enemy knows how precious and crucial it is for us to have that personal time with the Lord, he will do anything to keep us away from it. This was a wake up call; how could I forget that in the busiest of times that Satan will try to destroy my relationship with the Lord as well as my effectiveness as I try to build up His kingdom? I just felt so dumb realizing how consumed I was with myself; Jesus was busier than I was but in the midst, he found peace because each morning he went and prayed. This convicted me to make prayer a priority; P.T. Forsyth said, “the worst sin is prayerlessness,” and I’ve been committing the worst sin of all. Reading the word is not enough, and it’s no wonder there’s a lack of strength present in my life; I need sufficient quality time with the Lord and I need his strength and provision.