And no, I’m not talking about my chest. Thank you for assuming. However, if you are curious about that topic, I handle that a bit here. (no pun intended)
Today, I’m talking about the place above my head where luscious locks are supposed to fall; but instead, lay a random mop of strings and things.
Don’t know what I’m talking about? Don’t know what it’s like to have random bald spots and a receding hair line? Well you’re in luck, because today’s tuesday ten is dedicated to a plethora of valuable information regarding this…
10 facts of life as a balding 20-something female:
1. I can’t do [hair] buns. In public, at least. If I do ever dare attempt to venture outside, an entire army of 19 interlocked bobby pins is essential. No exaggeration with the number 19 there, it literally takes that many black babies to keep that “do” stay in place. Joke of the day: how many black babies does it take to make a bun?
No, not these black babies:
These black babies:
But I digress. If I run out the door and throw up a careless bun, I’ll look like I’m wearing a wig cap. Need proof? Check out this pic and the first comment:
^ I’m the one embarrassingly throwing up a peace sign. And if your eye sight is just as bad as mine, the comment under the photo reads: “lol you look bald.” And yes, someone did like the comment.
#flatgirlproblems at its finest.
2. I can’t skip a day to shower. Not because I’m a health nut or anything even near that sort, but it’s because for the rest of the day I’ll be bombarded with remarks like: “Oh, I didn’t know it’s raining. Did you just come from outside?” Every natural sparkling drop of grease will proudly present itself at the roots. Yum-o.
3. Big hair, don’t care. Yeah, don’t know what that means. In fact, no hair, and I do care.
4. “It takes so long to straighten my hair.” Never said that it my life. It takes 5 minutes, tops.
5. Unless I blow dry my hair immediately after a shower, and in a particular manner, (throw head upside down and blow dry from each angle until each strand feels like sahara desert), then my mane will lay as if it were superglued to my scalp. Hat head, is what some call it. Dear fashion magazine editors, please make hat head a “thing” so I can be the most stylish of them all.
6. I will never be asked to do a Garnier Fructis commercial. (Or Pantene, I’m honestly pretty flexible and comfortable with either brand). Other than my lack of hair, I have everything else going for me to be the commercial model. But because of this one little thing, I will never fulfill my dream and flip my hair against a white backdrop. (I joke.)
^ Look how much fun they’re having. I am physically impossible to have as much fun as them.
8. If you ever want to color your hair, it’s significantly cheaper with less hair than more. One $7 dye box can easily cover your mane whereas your roommate has to invest in a $180 treatment. True story.
9. Each strand of hair is precious. This is the reason I don’t comb my hair throughout the day. Not because I am lazy. But because I cannot afford to lose another stand. (Cue solo violin) It’s just that… too many of the good ones aren’t with us anymore… because of that mistake. Moment of silence for those brave soldiers, please.
10. Your friends are tired of coming up with lies: “Jenny, you’re not balding. It’s in your head.” And so they start to buy you different wigs for your birthday. Okay just kidding, but comments have turned from denial to acceptance: “Jenny, it’s honestly not that bad.”
Hope you enjoyed my ten slightly not-so-humorous-but-honest-and-totally-self-deprecating comments. (: If you found yourself nodding or agreeing with any of my points, then I welcome you to this community of some sort. Maybe secret handshakes are in order. T-shirts? Or is that too soon? I never know the correct protocol for these things.